Break From The Past : In A State Of Contemplation (part 8)

I got into my car and just drove off with no specific destination in my mind. I kept on driving at a steady pace and tried to control myself. I decided to go to my dance teacher’s house. Paula was the right person, for she was not only my teacher but also my best friend and business partner. We owned the "Dance Studio" together. At this moment in my life I really needed her companionship and her counsel.  She was shocked to see me, looking teary eyed and shattered. She thought something had happened to Chandran. When I told her what had happened, she was as stunned as I was. She quickly went and got some ice cubes from the fridge, wrapped them in a napkin and gently pressed it to my cheek.  Then she told me not to think about anything, and just rest.

 However,  thoughts have a way of coming unbidden, with torturing regularity, and I was neither physically or mentally fit to think coherently. I was in a stupor for a long time before  sleep finally overtook me. Next day Paula called up one of our students who was also a  doctor to come and examine me.  He prescribed some anti depressants, and advised complete rest. I felt I could do with a complete rest from life itself. A week went by with no word from Chandran.  Weeks turned into months and by and by, Chandran receded to the background.  My business was flourishing, and both Paula and I,  we were very much in demand.  We were invited to give talks on Dance and dancing, and even bagged a contract for a short serial on TV, teaching dance steps and techniques. It was so much fun, things were going very well in life, I really stopped missing Chandran altogether.

 My children came to visit me often, which brought great joy and solace to me.  Everything seemed just fine. In the mean time, I heard from a friend of Chandran that he had resigned from his post at the company, and had bought the Gym he was working out at,  after becoming a certified fitness guru. His friend added  that now Chandran was fitter looking, more leaner and muscular, having all the time to devote to his favorite hobby-  body building. I wondered why my children didn’t care to share this news with me.  Well, how could they since it was I who had forbidden them from talking about their father in front of me. If now I were to enquire about their father, they might think I was interested in getting back to him, which I most certainly was not.

 The shrill ringing of the phone brought me out of my reverie with a jolt.  I got up to pick up the ringing phone. It was from Juliet, one of my students.  She was a Reiki master and asked me whether I would now consider taking up Reiki seriously : we had earlier discussed quite a lot about Reiki, which was said to be a simple and effective alternative healing technique.  I felt she was truly perceptive when she used to point out during our chats that although I seemed happy with my life on the surface, there was a wound hidden deep inside of me, which kept me from being fully at peace with myself.  She had also vouched,  that with Reiki, I would be able to heal whatever had to be healed to attain complete peace and harmony in life.  She had a group of people who had signed up for a course she was conducting in two days time.  In the state I was in presently, I jumped at the opportunity and signed up for the course.

I successfully completed the first level of competence in Reiki, and started to practice it very regularly.  The results were truly incredible.  I started seeing things and people in a very different way.  I could feel a new sense of  forbearance and patience envelope me.  I was no longer short of temper,  and never in a hurry : it was a beautiful feeling.  Before the mandatory 21 days of practicing Reiki was over I was engulfed by a strange sense of peace and happiness, but I was also occasionally sick with mild cold, runny nose, and occasional stomach upset and headaches. But instead of getting worried and running to the doctor,  I was happily intensifying my Reiki self- treatments, for as Juliet had forewarned me,  this was just the detoxification stage that one had to go through, while practicing Reiki. There was nothing to worry. Everything was just going fine. You see I had to release all the pent up emotions, my expectations from my husband, my anger, my disappointments, etc. It was a kind of therapy for me to go to the root of the matter that was troubling me, confront them face to face and find ways to resolve them. Just as I was beginning to see issues that were thus far daunting, with a greater sense of confidence and clarity,  so too some of the symptoms of my illness due to practicing of Reiki began to disappear, leaving me feeling more and more energetic and confident :  at peace with myself and the rest of this world.

I was now ready to do my second level of the Reiki course .It was an absolute stunner, for I realized I could literally reach across the barriers of time and space, anytime I wanted to.  Wow! it was really amazing to learn all the unlimited and mind- blowing possibilities Reiki offered: it was awesome.  One really ought to do the course to feel and experience the full power of Reiki.  First and foremost it made me understand my relationship with Chandran with more clarity.  I could now understand why such unpleasant things kept on happening to us. I could now see that each one of us was wrong in some ways,  and my only mission in life from that time was to try and heal our relationship - nothing else seemed more important to me.  I no longer looked at the issues in my life as problems that could not be solved.  Instead I looked at them as challenges that had to be overcomed.  I started practicing my second degree level of Reiki not only on myself  but I also sent healing energies to Chandran, for now I had learnt the technique of  sending healing energies to others, which was known as distant healing.

  I knew things were not going to change overnight. The damage that had happened, had taken a long time to come to breaking point, and so too, the repairing of our relationship would take time.  I must give Reiki the time to slowly yet subtly show me the way to resolve it .  It was almost one year  since we had separated, and with the new found confidence in Reiki, I was sure the time for reunion was not far away. But Reiki also teaches that being obsessed with achieving results would be counter productive. I had to just do my bit and let things take their own course. I was also not bothered about why Chandran never tried to contact me even once, after that fateful day, it was immaterial, I felt this break could be blessing in disguise for both of us to reflect on ourselves individually without any pressure.

 On several occasions, while driving out, I caught myself unconsciously taking the turn that took me past his Gold Gym, hoping all the time to catch a glimpse of him through those wide  clear glassed panel of windows of the gym.  I would then deliberately cruise slowly  through the narrow lane,  utterly unmindful of the furious honking behind.me.  But alas,  I had no luck.  But one day,  while in a shopping mall, I spied him in the grocery department, and My God, he was really looking  wonderful, and young as if age had totally left him free from its ravages.  Just then he turned around, and caught me staring at him like a zombie. I quickly turned to look away, when he called out to me and I had to face him again, and look into his mesmerizing eyes. He walked up close to me and looking into my eyes, he smiled, took my hand and said “come Sudha, we need to talk, but not here, lets go to the coffee shop, please”.  Before I could think of anything to say, he was leading me with my hand in his, to the café,  just like old times – it was déjà vu all over again.

 But although he looked really dashing,  there was something missing in him - the spark of happiness had gone out of his eyes. He looked at me so deeply, that I was almost afraid he would catch me blushing.  Oh God ! how could he still have that effect on me: was I so vulnerable, and so transparent?

“Every time I think of that awful night, I hit you and shouted all kinds of obscenities at you, I have been  wanting to come to you and apologize to you, but did not have the guts  to do so.  How could I have behaved like that, what had come over me ?

I never could understand.  The irritation, the taunting behavior, the habit of degrading you in front of everyone - that man was not me, yet it was me. Where did I let all that love disappear? 
Your lovely face kept haunting me, questioning my very existence. I knew I was at fault, and I had to get out of this gutter which was killing me with its stink. I struggled with my work, with my ever pricking conscience, and my love for you. I could take it no longer, I had to do something and I did: I resigned from the company as it was really stressful.  Then, I took off ….revisited some of our favorite haunts in this world, trying to recapture the beauty of the places we enjoyed in our journeys together. I found the powerful fragrance of the love shared by us still lingering in each and every little corner and nook, every flower, every little gurgling stream, every glade, every tree under which we romanced :  taunting me, as if, questioning me, “Yeah, where have you let all the love fly away, you fool, do something before it is too late, you moron “ : all singing in a chorus, : It was a stinging pain in my ears and, resounding like an echo in an empty room.."

Chandran continued, “I came back with the intention of talking to you and begging for your forgiveness, but till now I could not do it. But seeing you here all of a sudden, and seeing your beautiful and calm face, I felt I had to talk to you now, come what may. What do you say Sudha, please tell me.. can you forgive this monster, who still loves you and cannot think of a life without you”?

 All this was so overwhelming and so sudden, that, for a minute I could not believe such a thing could be happening to me. But it was happening to us. I reached out for his hand - but wait a second, what was happening to me I could not reach him, my hand----- it was not able to touch his hand, he was drifting away from me, going away from me,  farther and farther, very far……so far away.  Why ?……Chandran, Chandran,  I was trying to shout out loud but no sound came from my lips, !  what was it ? a nightmare ?  and then with the sound of  crashing of cups and plates, I found myself too, crashing to oblivion………………..

Sorry for such a lengthy post.

 (to be continued)