Thursday, October 13, 2011

How I Met My Husband.......A long flash back (Part 1)

I wish to share with the rest of the world certain thoughts and memories that come back to me unfailingly every year on this month and on this day,  the 27th of Oct., the day I got married to my husband of 30 years.  In those days it was de rigueur for a girl to get married by the time she attained the age of 18.  It did not matter at all whether she wanted to get married or not.

I remember my college Professor admonishing us in one of his classes : “Girls”, he proclaimed in his Bengali accent dripping with sarcasm ,  “graduation is just a time- pass exercise for you all :  it is just a passport for you to hook a good husband”.  I was in City college in Calcutta those days and I confess, even I was amazed to see girls coming to college  soon after their marriage with Sindoor ( the mark of a married woman, usually a North Indian in Hinduism, applied at the beginning or completely along the parting line of a woman's hair),  and a big red Bindi ( dot) adorning their forehead,  coming ever so punctually to attend early morning classes (our college timing was 6.15 am to 11.30 am.). Now these girls were quite young, hardly 18 years of age and the boys they were married to must have been pretty tender of age as well.  After marriage, the boys would go off to complete their engineering, medicine, and accountancy  ( if they be of marwari origin)  while these young brides were left high and dry with nothing better to do than attend college just for “naam ke vasthe”  (to keep up appearances): serious study was the last thing on their minds.

The good Professor certainly could not be blamed for passing such gratuitous remarks.
 In those very same old days,  even I was not far behind in all this “chakar” of marriage. I had no other choice, because I had a father, whose only aim in life was to get all his three daughters married, at the right age. Well luckily the other two had got married at the right age, now it was my turn.
Being the youngest I was given certain liberties, but not without conditions. I can study all I want, but I should not entertain any ideas of taking up a career or something like that, because girls from respectable families should have only one aim in their life, that is to get married to a decent man selected by their parents. The only thing that one could look forward to was a life  filled with rosy pictures of making your husband happy, having his babies, and being good to his parents, being good in cooking, and other uninteresting things like tailoring, knitting, singing  etc. (please this is not to offend people who have made a successful career out of these very hobbies),  and in short putting one’s life on the back-burner.
Funniest thing was that, you were not supposed to be too choosey about his looks or colour, or height/built etc. You can’t refuse a boy because he had a moustache, he was slightly balding, he wore specs, and he wore bell-bottoms with wide ugly belts and so on. I am sure there are many of you out there who would agree with all my points (Women of my age or older than me). 


Girls were supposed to have no choice at all. If you dared to rebel the axe would immediately fall on the mother, she would get her quota of blasting, for bringing up a daughter with such crazy modern ideas. Though your mother might be supportive of you, but in front of the father she will support everything he says, for she had no other go, for all her life she had trained herself to saying only one thing: “yes dear, as you say”, having been married to this man at a very young age.  Most men were like that only, very bossy and dominating.


My situation was no better than hers. People would have only one question “Are you looking for some alliance for your daughter, I know a boy he is in America. It was always either  some boy living in America, or was qualified from America. (The boy from the US was the craze at that time).


That was enough for my father,  he would be ready for anything. So you would see, that even before I had turned 19 my father had all the eligible boys lined up for me.


Did I get married as my father wanted me to get married ?
You would have to wait and see, how the story unfolds itself........
Ironically I was to see America only in the year 2010.

33 comments:

  1. This was my story written during our 25th wedding anniversary, now it is coming back when we are nearing our 31st anniversary, which is quite a few days away. I thought I would start publishing in parts, for it is too a long story to be published as a single blog. I trust you would all enjoy my story.

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  2. Oh, you have me hooked Rama:) I can hardly wait for Part 2:):)

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  3. That is cruel. I hate suspense.!!!!

    Cannot wait.............

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  4. waiting to see u come up with the rest :)

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  5. This is going to be a great story, Rama! I suspect that you broke some rules?

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  6. You're adept at cliffhangers. I'll be back for Part 2.

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  7. Let me guess? U said looooooooong story - May be it's like the boy met the girl and the girl met the boy and the rest is history :-). Anyway can't wait to see part 2 of the story. I was just reflecting on the story u said - The girl cannot complain about the boy and now the story is little reverse these days. VERY eligible boys are finding it difficult to find the girl of their choice :-).

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  8. with what I know of you thru blog, I dont think you would marry anyone but the boy of your choice:)

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  9. Shanthi: things have changed drastically in the last few years. There are eligible girls and eligible boys, but their expectations have changed so much that it has become difficult for both boys and girls to find each other and like each other. Do you know it is also difficult to fall in love too, for they expect the boys/girls to have the same qualities which, parents generally want for their children in the boys / girls for you can't fall in love if you are looking for a highly educated person who also reasonably good looking, and earning well etc.
    All these internet marriage portals are also useless, and we don't have the word of mouth culture too of the past, so things are really tough
    One would be lucky to find the right person and make a happy life together.

    Renu: Life is not so simple.

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  10. Wow ! I have seen this happening to my mausis ( mom's sisters) and buas (dad's sisters)so i can very well understand .I also completely agree with you on your reply to Shanthi .Can't wait to know what happened next .Waiting ,waiting....

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  11. Ahhhhhh...here the story unfolds! I have been waiting for a long time to hear it from your side. Going by what little i know about you, i bet the guy was your dear father's choice:)Waiting eagerly for your next post!

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  12. Pls make the part 2 of the story delivered fast.can't wait for too long:) the way you have started the story is really great.it has me hooked:-)

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  13. Intresting ....eagerly waiting for part2.

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  14. Such an interesting read. I cannot wait for part two of the story.Pls do try the Mysore pak recipe.Hope it turns out well.

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  15. Awwwwwwwwwwww......Can't wait. come fast with part 2 :)

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  16. wow ths s super romantic....awaiting eagerly dear...

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  17. Can't wait to hear the rest of the story. Don't make us wait until the 27th :-)

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  18. this is interesting :) awaiting part 2 :)

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  19. OHHH, I am too eager to know the next part..you brought a lot of smiles on my face today..I went back to those days of mine!

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  20. You can't do this you know. Suspense and all! So far the story seems very similar to mine. But I have a gut feeling, Part 2 is going to change all that! :)

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  21. Loved this part and your observations. Would love to read more and know what transpired. But, whatever happened worked out great for you. You have a warm and compassionate husband, have lovely kids, and you are such a wonderful, balanced person yourself. 31 years -- awesome! I am going on my 11th year, and that feels so significant to me :). BTW, internet portals are not rubbish, my husband and I found each other through one ;-), and that is the wisest decision I made.

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  22. Rachna: I meant Internet marriage portals are generally useless, though one has to depend on such sites only in these modern times, and it does have some advantages, which has to be appreciated. My daughter also found her match through Tamilmatrimony, and they are really happy.
    However I still believe, with all these sites, it is still difficult to find the right person, and people who have done are indeed very lucky. We had almost given up for our daughter, there was hardly anything good.
    It is like a saree shop you have all the variety, but you want only 1 saree and you end up not liking any of the sarees shown, and then you keep visiting more shops more choices are thrown at you, and so it goes on and on till something that really clicks and you finally find, what you looking for, and proceed from there. And still it is long journey.
    Sometimes it is just luck you find everything falling in place, and you find the right person, through Internet.
    I am sure you got the point.

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  23. @rama I am not taking up for them only because I had a good experience. I also feel that it gives a woman and a man the right to make informed choices in our culture where dating is still not very common and where nuclear families are a norm in cities. Of course, only the naive do the foolish stuff. One must do background checks and meet the families too. I am married into a cosmopolitan family and very happy to do so. All said and done, whether love or arranged, each method is fraught with danger including the self-arranged route of portal marriages. I just see this way as providing another choice, nothing more nothing less. Luck is a big factor any which way!

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  24. Happy Anniversary in advance, my anniversary is also in a few days and I was thinking of posting on similar lines.
    WOuld be waiting for the next part, wonderful narration

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  25. interesting
    waiting for part 2

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  26. Ah! at least that is something that has changed in Kolkata apart from the name in all these years...

    interesting beginning...waiting for more :)

    Cheers!
    SUB
    http://evolvingdaddy.blogspot.com/

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  27. Can't wait to see the second part!
    Happy Anniversary in advance!

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  28. Rama didi!!!!! when are you going to post the part II dying to know!!

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  29. hey So sweet!
    love the whole post..America is still a craze in pnjab ..I dunno rest of the country..then
    wht happened ?? wud love to read further''
    :)

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  30. ohh..I so waiting for part-2..post soon Rama:)

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  31. Ramaaaaa waiting for part 2 . The suspense can't be for so long

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  32. First of all congratulations on your 31st Ann.
    Yes, very true, the USA returned (or anything to do with USA) was the done thing in those days.
    If not that then the next in line is "Gulf returned"
    So waiting for part-II :-)

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  33. had I not read the recent most part, I would have been so eager like everyone else here!

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