Children: My Children

                                                                              Then 

                                                                        And now
                                           

Today I have chosen the letter 'C', and I immediately thought of writing about my children. It is not that bringing up children is easy, but we all learn in our own way how to do this difficult task. We kind of grew and learnt together, listening to each other, and understanding each other, and somewhere along the way, we became tuned to each other and could start thinking alike. It was not easy all the way, but parenting is a learning process, and we can succeed if we put  our mind to it.

I have two lovely children, a daughter who is 31 years old and a son who is 28 this month. 
They both grew up right in front of my eyes : I was there to hear their first word, watch their first step, record their first song/ poem, etc. I consider myself fortunate to have had the opportunity of having been there right from their birth to the time they were old enough to leave home and fend for themselves. . They were never overly pampered, overly supervised, and none of them was ever sermonized about what was best for them. And when the time came each one of them chose the path that was dear to their heart. 

                                                             Then and now
OUR DAUGHTER 

           She travelled  to Europe, when her friends ditched  her in the last moment.                           

                                            Having planned it , she decided to do it alone.

                                      I loved her guts for she was barely 25 at that time.

Let me first tell you about our daughter. I named her Mathanki, even before she was born, and lovingly called her Puja at home. So officially she is known as , Mathanki, Matanki, ( that is the way some of her friends pronounce her name), Tanki, Math, Mathu, and so on. Among her close friends and relatives she was Poo, Pooj or Puja. Sometimes, I wonder how people with 2 names survive, and have the 2 names broken into so many short names. I always like to call people by their full name, no short forms for me . 

My daughter hated to study, do homework - she hated school (National Public School- Indiranagar, Bangalore). This school deservedly had a reputation for being authoritarian (some would say Hitlerian), Slave driver (several of the senior teachers strutted about, cane in hand), Taskmaster ( Heaps of homework to spoil the childrens’ weekends). Under such Gestapo rule, even the Weakest of the Weak student would easily make the grade and do reasonably well, which pleased many a parent, but certainly not my daughter. I have seen her watching MTV on the telly, with book in hand, studying for her exams. She did not want to change the school either, saying," known devil is better "etc., the saving grace also being the proximity of the school to our home in Indiranagar – a walkable distance. With gritted teeth she managed to finish tenth grade in that school, and said she wanted to do something different and interesting in life - no medicine, engineering, commerce, science etc., for her. She had decided she would join Chitra Kala Parishath, one of oldest Art universities in Bangalore, and do their 5 year degree course in Arts. She wasn't artistically inclined, although she was fairly proficient in sketching, painting etc. Her intention was to specialize in Commercial Art, ie., visual design, graphic design, collages, copywriting etc., which would open up a career for her in Advertising. So the first two years would be just like doing a PU, with more emphasis on free hand drawing sketching etc., with some subjects like Hindi and English thrown in. If one didn't like it, they could leave the course and join regular PU in some other college too. 

                              Here she is with Amitabh, when they did the ICICI bank Ad.(2 years back)

The Laissez-faire atmosphere in this artists den, full of wannabe artists in Khadi kurtas, short stubbles in front and long pony tails behind, dilettantes of various shades, suited our daughter to a T. So she enjoyed her college, where nobody was really bothered whether you were good or not, they left it to the students to complete their assignments at their own pace and that was it. If a student was interested he or she would do well or would fail otherwise. It was no big deal either way. There were no surprise tests, no draconian rules - They were free as birds to fly, to soar, to stimulate their imagination and hone their talents in their own fashion. 

Our friends used to ask us: " have you people gone mad, why have you put your daughter in some Arts college, what scope does she have? why don't you put pressure and make her choose engineering or medicine? Surely she has got enough marks to enter any of these streams ?” 
Well, we felt if a person is good and has the required talent they can do well in any field, and we felt children should be left to make their own choices in life, especially in matters of their studies, their careers and their life partners. But certainly in those rat race days, people thought we were crazy. 
Chitra Kala Parishath is such a venerable institution, you can choose any subject to specialize for 3 years, like Sculpture, Terracotta, Fine Arts, and Commercial Art (Adverting). Many brilliant people have graduated from this college and are doing exceedingly well in society. 
My daughter too passed out from this college with flying colors. While still in college, she had a part time job with Lintas, and was given a full time job with them as soon as she passed out. She didn't have to apply to various companies, attend interviews etc. 

After a few years, she quit Lintas and moved one to McCann Erickson and worked there till her marriage. She had her own 2 bedroom apartment, her own car and a good salary, and she had almost 9 years of working experience. 
Now she lives in Bombay with her husband Ram. She works as the Creative Director in O&M. She has won few awards for the good work done by her in this field. She is also an excellent self taught photographer, with a Nikon strapped around her neck and photoshop at her fingertips

                                                              Ram & Puja
I am really proud of my daughter and her achievements at such a young age. I don't think she could have achieved all this if she had been pigeonholed to do something in which her heart and soul was not there. 
   OUR SON 

                                                                           Then & now

Our son Janardhan, is totally different. His name too was chosen by me before his birth itself. ( I had decided if it was a girl she would be named Mathanki, and if it was a boy he would named Janardhan). He is known among his close friends and relative, as Jan, Jannu, Janardhan, and Jandu Balm. 
He was always focused on studies, and always wanted to come first in everything, he was totally fit for the torture the school was known to mete out to its students. He was the type who would easily say, "yeh dil mange more" ( this heart craves for more). He was also interested in other things besides studies, but he was smart enough to know that if had to be where he wanted to be, he had to concentrate and get there at any cost. He would work hard, go for coaching classes in his school for IIT - JEE, and while he was in college, he joined some Management coaching classes, some law coaching classes. It was unbearable even for us bystanders to watch him self flagellate in such single minded, obsessive determination He would say, that he must keep various options open in case he did not get into the field he wanted to. He was also equally interested in his sister's field and kept himself up to date on that line to, just to be on the safe side, in case he could not get admission anywhere else. ( strange and funny)

                                                      Cars : his one and only passion

His one ultimate objective in life was to get into the Univ. of Michigan in Ann Arbor and study Automobile Engineering. It was tough though : he could not get into IIT, competition being extremely stiff. His father could get into an IIT in the seventies, when life was much more laid back, but not him. However, he did get into NITK - Surathkal, which enjoyed a fairly good reputation among the Universities in India. 

After graduating from NITK, the next step was getting admission into one of the top 10 universities in the US of America for a Master’s course. He was keen on only Ann Arbor, and by sheer will and determination, he did gain admission in that prestigious institution, and has been there for the last 6 years. He has not only completed his MS in Automobile engineering, but got so much interested in Aerospace, that he got a second Master’s degree in Aerospace Engineering too. 
He loves his University, the laid back university town, and  now Interns with Bosch and is also busy preparing to defend his PhD thesis for the ultimate degree in academia. 
He has become a mature and responsible young man. He loves driving and has gone on several road trips and has been to California, driving all alone from Michigan and back, during a stint of internship at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. 
He seems to know what he wants his life to be like, and all the pressures he faced during his developing years were all self imposed. Now that he has more or less achieved his goals he is relaxed and is enjoying his life. He loves exercising, he loves cycling, ice hockey and of course travelling too. In spite of studying hard and pushing himself, he has not turned out to be the serious nerd : he knows how and when to relax and enjoy life and has a great sense of humor too. 

Both my children have always been very supportive, encouraging, and helping, despite my constant nagging (being a mother, I do nag sometimes about little things, but not for long, for when I feel my nagging has no effect on them, I automatically stop). Many a times, instead of me giving them some sound advice, it would be me listening to their words of wisdom. Some times I am myself amazed at their sharp intellect, dissecting an issue in a methodical and logical manner, and many a time I have stood wondering : " are they really my children, my own flesh and blood.... " well, they are mine, yet they are so different from me, more mature than me in many ways, making me feel so proud. I don't want them to be like me, I want them to be different, be their own self, find fulfillment in carving their own identity. 

The lesson thus learnt, is to let every individual be themselves, instead of trying to impose our will, our aspirations, our goals on them. My advise to people going through various dilemmas in their lives with their children is to please step back, give your children the much needed space. Don't force your own unfulfilled dreams to come true through them; let them have their own dreams, let them do what they really like, and see them grow into stunning individuals, contributing something worthwhile to the society. 

There are no role models/ books / instruction manuals for parenting, we learn as we grow and experience, and try to change our own narrow mindsets. 

Rama Ananth