Break From The Past: Patience & Perseverance (Part 10)

 My eldest son ( one of the twins)  who had recently graduated from Med School, kept telling me that it was possible to completely recover, and I should not to get distracted, and drown myself in negative thoughts.  It was true the recovery would be slow, but my focus should be on doing everything possible to make it happen.  But to a person in my state, nothing made sense. I think it was too soon to change my mindset so easily, for I was still trying to get a grip on my situation. 

Soon a Physiotherapist was assigned to me, who helped me walk short stretches of the corridors of the hospital and put me through simple stretching exercises. Even with his support and coaxing, everything was so difficult to do.  Looked like my body had a mind of its own, it refused to do what I wanted it to do.  It left me wondering whether I would ever be able to anything by myself. I had only some vague idea about stroke, and had seen one or two very old people struggling with their speech, and  whose movements were severely restricted. 

I had to know more about stroke, so that I could know how good or bad my road to recovery would be. I borrowed books from our local library and started getting to know the reasons, symptoms, the treatment, the recovery etc. None of the reasons seemed to fit me, and I had never experienced any of the symptoms, except, the shock of seeing Chandran unexpectedly that day, (although I always wanted to see him) and  the subsequent joyful turn of events, which eventually ended in my fainting. I could not understand how that could be shocking enough to give  me a stroke. But I decided not to dwell on such unimportant issues, which would only add more pressure to my already muddled brain.

Things that I took for granted like walking, talking, holding things, etc., everything became a pain for I had to learn to do everything from the beginning like a child : only, I was not a child. There was no further treatment to be had, I was pronounced fit to be discharged from the hospital.  The doctors had done all that had be done, and now the extent and pace of recovery was in my hands alone.  It all sounded so forlorn and bleak.
How could I,  who always led a very healthy and active life, get stroke, and how could  I ever even think of becoming normal, in the miserable condition that I was?
Questions like these were  constantly plaguing me round the clock. Even the books I read, had only examples of people who were very old, who had recovered, but only partially, and they seemed to be happy to have achieved at least that much.
Would I be satisfied with only that level of recovery.... Oh God, such morbid thoughts were sending shivers down my partially paralyzed spine.

 There  were so many things that had to be done for me on a daily basis,  starting with giving me a bath, combing my hair, helping me eat and drink, giving me medicines on time.  Most of these chores were done by Chandran,  and of course my friends Paula and Juliet and my sons also took turns to pitch in.
I was so touched to see so many people genuinely doing everything they could,  to make feel cheerful:  their sincerity, and dedication often moved me to tears.  

Again, evenings were time to do the daily drills with the Physiotherapist. I was chagrined that I could barely walk a few steps without his support.  The things he asked me to do were so difficult, though to a normal person it might look extremely simple and easy.  Like a school teacher, he prescribed homework that I should do at other times like, turning pages of a book, holding a spoon in my right hand and bringing it to my mouth to feed myself, holding a glass in my hand, bringing it up to my lips to drink, and many more exercises.  Suffice is to say that I was to relearn everything once again. Everyday he would expect some improvement, but I could hardly show any, though I tried my best.  Also I was very weak, and the medicines were making me drowsy most of the time. Looked like my whole life had come to a sudden stand still.

 I had to practice writing also, but however much I tried I could not make my fingers hold a pen or a pencil properly – it was twisting and turning in my fingers and slipping out. To think I had the most beautiful handwriting, and now when I tried writing something,  it came out only as a very bad scribble, which even I couldn't understand. It was absolutely frustrating. But I kept on trying every exercise, at least 10 times before getting tired and giving it all up.  However, as my confidence level dipped, I immediately pulled myself up with determination, and again continued the exercises.

 I  continued my physical training with weights, continued my finger exercises and gradually found some improvement. I found after trying for about 5 times I could turn pages, cut paper with scissors, pick up things from the floor, comb my hair, have bath by myself, walk around without support, cut vegetables, wash vessels and so on.  The  right side of my jaw too was also slightly drooping, and here my dentist suggested I exercise my jaw by chewing gum regularly. All the effort put by me, slowly started showing some definite improvement in my condition. I was extremely overjoyed, and my doctor having seen the improvement in my condition, stopped most of the medicines.

 Time now to start walking outside the house.  Chandran took me very religiously to the nearby park, but here too I noticed another problem.  First I was dragging the right foot and I was not able to walk even for a few minutes  without stopping for a rest.  It continued like this for sometime. And although it was disappointing, I knew from previous experience that I would surely overcome this failing also with patience and continual practice. In time, I did overcome this problem, but before I could rejoice at my success, I noticed that I was not moving my right hand at all while walking. So before I could fully correct one problem, I was plagued by another.  Why ....  Oh why,  this constant struggle, would there ever be an easy way out ? The answer was of course a loud “NO”.

 But having a wonderful husband and good friends,  like Paula and Juliet my student cum Reiki Master,  and my three children,  made all the difference.  Though, sometimes,  I was very skeptical and critical of the extent of progress I had made,  they assured me that what I had achieved thus far was substantial and significant, and that I should not be too hard upon myself : a positive attitude would push me faster forward towards full recovery.  Every small and new success was to be cherished, leading me to my ultimate goal.  Of course, I couldn’t stop pushing myself despite all the well meaning advice. I felt I had to race against time and get instant results.  During one of my visits to the doctor for a checkup, I implored him to be frank with me and tell me whether I could fully recover to my old normal self, and would I be able to start dancing again like I used to.  To this, his evasive answer was that people have been known to have achieved full recovery after a stroke, everything was possible. Then he said something that really shocked me : he said that whatever recovery was possible had to be achieved within a year’s time,  and after that time, further progress would be negligible.  He said it was important I kept on working my muscles to achieve my goal. 

From that day on wards, it was 3 hours of workout in the morning and another 2 to 3 hours in the evening for me.  Mostly it was swimming in the evenings with my former dance teacher and business partner Paula.  After swimming it was 1 hour of practicing dance moves. My students were now my teachers, for they made it a point to come home and practice dance moves with me, patiently guiding me. It  was difficult  for me to keep my tears under control, they were such darlings. 
At first everything - right from swimming to dancing was tough, but gradually I improved till I almost became perfect. It was not just one thing at a time that needed my attention, but rather concentrating on every aspect, simultaneously, that brought about the desired progress. Every part of my body needed equal attention.  With every success, I goaded myself to push further forward with determination, for having come thus far, it would be meaningless to be satisfied, become complacent and slow down or stop.  By now it was almost eight months since the fateful day of the stroke, and I was happy with myself and with life in general. The progress was steady, but I must have  patience, and not hurry, patience... patience, was the key word.

 I also realised that although I had refused to acknowledge the pain of separation from Chandran, and was continuing to live on as though nothing had happened, deep in my heart, I had never stopped loving him totally and the depression was eating me away unconsciously. When Chandran,  had all of a sudden come to my life, the happiness of getting him back was too much.  I suppose everything happens for a reason.  Whatever the reason, ultimately we were both together like never before.  When I look back, I don't see any reason for all that had happened in our lives, but it had happened,  sometimes instead of talking/ sharing, we let things just simmer down till it cannot remain in that level, and blows up on our face. Anyway, I felt it was in the past: now we have the present and future in our hands, and we were both determined we would not let our past cast its shadow on us anymore.

 There was now a maturity in our love, where love had a totally new meaning for us.  It meant that we could  give love unconditionally and also receive love unconditionally. Each of us in our own way had learnt a valuable lesson in life.

 Well, everything was now near perfect with me, as though I was born again. There were no tell tale signs of lingering disabilities overtly visible. It was visible to only to me, and  as my doctor had told me that,  some amount of cell damage cannot be reverted, and I should not give it much importance. I had to understand and be practical, and celebrate my progress which was indeed remarkable by all medical standards. According to my Neurologist, I was 98%  cured, the 2% was negligible.
 I got my beloved back and I got my lost movements back. I could talk, I could drive my car,  my writing is still bad, but most important of all, I could dance again.  It all seemed like a miracle, but miracle it was not.  It was patient, persistent, determined, hard and back breaking work that did the trick. I never fail to thank the Universe for being by my side constantly guiding me, encouraging me, giving me the strength to overcome the most traumatic phase in my life.

I have now come to firmly believe that somehow, the break that happened between Chandran and me in the past was an essential event that brought us together to our present life, and will keep us ever together in the future.

 Now, all I can do is to look forward to the dance competition that is coming up in a month’s time.  I have to do my best for that, and to come out a winner.

Wish me luck as I go shopping for the most beautiful dance dress, with my wonderful husband, who not only is my life-partner but also happens to be my dance- partner…….how cool is that !!

The End.

I once again thank everyone for following this story till the very end.
I would love to hear from you.

Break From The Past: Helpless (part 9)

I must have lost consciousness, for when I came to, I only had a vague remembrance of the things that were happening around me.  Chandran was sprinkling water over my face, and I could hear him call out my name several times ….. but wait a second! what is this ? 

Though words were forming in my mouth, no sound as emanating ….why couldn’t I speak damn it ?  

Have I suddenly become dumb? I was confused ……and what had happened to my hand ? 

I could not move it the way I wanted it to move.  Something was terribly wrong with me, and then I heard a man, may be a doctor, telling my husband that it appeared to be a stroke, that I should be taken to a hospital immediately.  Soon I was in the hospital, surrounded by doctors, nurses, emergency technicians, ward boys.. The doctors seemed to be totally baffled, as the various test results showed  nothing that was wrong with me : I had no diabetes, blood pressure, or high cholesterol for that matter, and I had no symptoms of headache or anything, prior to the stroke . But stroke it was : my speech, and all movements on the right side was paralyzed. I was shocked when I heard the diagnosis.

 However,  the doctors were still trying to find out the reason for the stroke.   Luckily, after a few more tests, surgery was ruled out, I was on drips and some drugs were given to me on regular basis to dissolve the clot.  Apparently, a clot had occurred somewhere in my leg,  which had traveled to my brain and had again traveled down to lodge itself in the left side of my throat region : which was why the paralysis had occurred on the right side of my body,  and that was the reason I lost my speech, and had lost all movement on my right side. But, the good news, according to the doctors, with specific medicines my speech would come back and there was nothing to worry.  Some pills were even given for my memory,  to clear my brain, which was for the most part disoriented. But no medicines in this world was going to give me back my movements.

I was totally disgusted with life ……..what was going to happen to me ? 

I would never be able to dance again, my movements would become very restricted.  I might even need the support of a walking stick, or worse I might be bedridden.  Desperately I tried to move my hand but nothing happened it lay there, limp and not budging. The same with my right leg too. I could only sob, sob, sob .  Seeing me cry, the nurses would console me saying everything would become alright .... but they didn’t  know what they were saying, or may be they did, and were trying to cheer me, and that made me cry even more.  Most of the time my husband was with me,  telling me to rest and not to unnecessarily worry about anything.  I was asleep most of the time and started channeling Reiki to myself.  Although,  I could hardly feel any thing as part of my body was immune to sensation, but never the less, I continued, for I knew whether I felt it or not the healing would take place for once a Reiki channel you are a Reiki channel for ever.

 By and by, with passage of time, I could utter a few words and even put together short sentences, but they all sounded gibberish and made no sense to anybody. Though the sentences would form properly in my mind, but when they came out, they came out different, and made no sense to anybody.  But the doctors told me not give up, for soon my speech would come back to normal. I should keep working at it . Similarly I had to work on my body too, for unless I worked hard, I may never get my movements back fully.

 It was all so disappointing and depressing, and there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel.  People were just saying that I would become alright, but it was all only in hope: nobody knew for sure. How I hated the word 'Hope', which actually only means 'maybe', when all I wanted to hear was a definite answer, which of course nobody was in a position to give it to me.
(To be continued)
I wish to thank every one of you, who have been patiently following this story so far, and I promise you, that it would end in the next part.

Break From The Past : In A State Of Contemplation (part 8)

I got into my car and just drove off with no specific destination in my mind. I kept on driving at a steady pace and tried to control myself. I decided to go to my dance teacher’s house. Paula was the right person, for she was not only my teacher but also my best friend and business partner. We owned the "Dance Studio" together. At this moment in my life I really needed her companionship and her counsel.  She was shocked to see me, looking teary eyed and shattered. She thought something had happened to Chandran. When I told her what had happened, she was as stunned as I was. She quickly went and got some ice cubes from the fridge, wrapped them in a napkin and gently pressed it to my cheek.  Then she told me not to think about anything, and just rest.

 However,  thoughts have a way of coming unbidden, with torturing regularity, and I was neither physically or mentally fit to think coherently. I was in a stupor for a long time before  sleep finally overtook me. Next day Paula called up one of our students who was also a  doctor to come and examine me.  He prescribed some anti depressants, and advised complete rest. I felt I could do with a complete rest from life itself. A week went by with no word from Chandran.  Weeks turned into months and by and by, Chandran receded to the background.  My business was flourishing, and both Paula and I,  we were very much in demand.  We were invited to give talks on Dance and dancing, and even bagged a contract for a short serial on TV, teaching dance steps and techniques. It was so much fun, things were going very well in life, I really stopped missing Chandran altogether.

 My children came to visit me often, which brought great joy and solace to me.  Everything seemed just fine. In the mean time, I heard from a friend of Chandran that he had resigned from his post at the company, and had bought the Gym he was working out at,  after becoming a certified fitness guru. His friend added  that now Chandran was fitter looking, more leaner and muscular, having all the time to devote to his favorite hobby-  body building. I wondered why my children didn’t care to share this news with me.  Well, how could they since it was I who had forbidden them from talking about their father in front of me. If now I were to enquire about their father, they might think I was interested in getting back to him, which I most certainly was not.

 The shrill ringing of the phone brought me out of my reverie with a jolt.  I got up to pick up the ringing phone. It was from Juliet, one of my students.  She was a Reiki master and asked me whether I would now consider taking up Reiki seriously : we had earlier discussed quite a lot about Reiki, which was said to be a simple and effective alternative healing technique.  I felt she was truly perceptive when she used to point out during our chats that although I seemed happy with my life on the surface, there was a wound hidden deep inside of me, which kept me from being fully at peace with myself.  She had also vouched,  that with Reiki, I would be able to heal whatever had to be healed to attain complete peace and harmony in life.  She had a group of people who had signed up for a course she was conducting in two days time.  In the state I was in presently, I jumped at the opportunity and signed up for the course.

I successfully completed the first level of competence in Reiki, and started to practice it very regularly.  The results were truly incredible.  I started seeing things and people in a very different way.  I could feel a new sense of  forbearance and patience envelope me.  I was no longer short of temper,  and never in a hurry : it was a beautiful feeling.  Before the mandatory 21 days of practicing Reiki was over I was engulfed by a strange sense of peace and happiness, but I was also occasionally sick with mild cold, runny nose, and occasional stomach upset and headaches. But instead of getting worried and running to the doctor,  I was happily intensifying my Reiki self- treatments, for as Juliet had forewarned me,  this was just the detoxification stage that one had to go through, while practicing Reiki. There was nothing to worry. Everything was just going fine. You see I had to release all the pent up emotions, my expectations from my husband, my anger, my disappointments, etc. It was a kind of therapy for me to go to the root of the matter that was troubling me, confront them face to face and find ways to resolve them. Just as I was beginning to see issues that were thus far daunting, with a greater sense of confidence and clarity,  so too some of the symptoms of my illness due to practicing of Reiki began to disappear, leaving me feeling more and more energetic and confident :  at peace with myself and the rest of this world.

I was now ready to do my second level of the Reiki course .It was an absolute stunner, for I realized I could literally reach across the barriers of time and space, anytime I wanted to.  Wow! it was really amazing to learn all the unlimited and mind- blowing possibilities Reiki offered: it was awesome.  One really ought to do the course to feel and experience the full power of Reiki.  First and foremost it made me understand my relationship with Chandran with more clarity.  I could now understand why such unpleasant things kept on happening to us. I could now see that each one of us was wrong in some ways,  and my only mission in life from that time was to try and heal our relationship - nothing else seemed more important to me.  I no longer looked at the issues in my life as problems that could not be solved.  Instead I looked at them as challenges that had to be overcomed.  I started practicing my second degree level of Reiki not only on myself  but I also sent healing energies to Chandran, for now I had learnt the technique of  sending healing energies to others, which was known as distant healing.

  I knew things were not going to change overnight. The damage that had happened, had taken a long time to come to breaking point, and so too, the repairing of our relationship would take time.  I must give Reiki the time to slowly yet subtly show me the way to resolve it .  It was almost one year  since we had separated, and with the new found confidence in Reiki, I was sure the time for reunion was not far away. But Reiki also teaches that being obsessed with achieving results would be counter productive. I had to just do my bit and let things take their own course. I was also not bothered about why Chandran never tried to contact me even once, after that fateful day, it was immaterial, I felt this break could be blessing in disguise for both of us to reflect on ourselves individually without any pressure.

 On several occasions, while driving out, I caught myself unconsciously taking the turn that took me past his Gold Gym, hoping all the time to catch a glimpse of him through those wide  clear glassed panel of windows of the gym.  I would then deliberately cruise slowly  through the narrow lane,  utterly unmindful of the furious honking behind.me.  But alas,  I had no luck.  But one day,  while in a shopping mall, I spied him in the grocery department, and My God, he was really looking  wonderful, and young as if age had totally left him free from its ravages.  Just then he turned around, and caught me staring at him like a zombie. I quickly turned to look away, when he called out to me and I had to face him again, and look into his mesmerizing eyes. He walked up close to me and looking into my eyes, he smiled, took my hand and said “come Sudha, we need to talk, but not here, lets go to the coffee shop, please”.  Before I could think of anything to say, he was leading me with my hand in his, to the café,  just like old times – it was déjà vu all over again.

 But although he looked really dashing,  there was something missing in him - the spark of happiness had gone out of his eyes. He looked at me so deeply, that I was almost afraid he would catch me blushing.  Oh God ! how could he still have that effect on me: was I so vulnerable, and so transparent?

“Every time I think of that awful night, I hit you and shouted all kinds of obscenities at you, I have been  wanting to come to you and apologize to you, but did not have the guts  to do so.  How could I have behaved like that, what had come over me ?

I never could understand.  The irritation, the taunting behavior, the habit of degrading you in front of everyone - that man was not me, yet it was me. Where did I let all that love disappear? 
Your lovely face kept haunting me, questioning my very existence. I knew I was at fault, and I had to get out of this gutter which was killing me with its stink. I struggled with my work, with my ever pricking conscience, and my love for you. I could take it no longer, I had to do something and I did: I resigned from the company as it was really stressful.  Then, I took off ….revisited some of our favorite haunts in this world, trying to recapture the beauty of the places we enjoyed in our journeys together. I found the powerful fragrance of the love shared by us still lingering in each and every little corner and nook, every flower, every little gurgling stream, every glade, every tree under which we romanced :  taunting me, as if, questioning me, “Yeah, where have you let all the love fly away, you fool, do something before it is too late, you moron “ : all singing in a chorus, : It was a stinging pain in my ears and, resounding like an echo in an empty room.."

Chandran continued, “I came back with the intention of talking to you and begging for your forgiveness, but till now I could not do it. But seeing you here all of a sudden, and seeing your beautiful and calm face, I felt I had to talk to you now, come what may. What do you say Sudha, please tell me.. can you forgive this monster, who still loves you and cannot think of a life without you”?

 All this was so overwhelming and so sudden, that, for a minute I could not believe such a thing could be happening to me. But it was happening to us. I reached out for his hand - but wait a second, what was happening to me I could not reach him, my hand----- it was not able to touch his hand, he was drifting away from me, going away from me,  farther and farther, very far……so far away.  Why ?……Chandran, Chandran,  I was trying to shout out loud but no sound came from my lips, !  what was it ? a nightmare ?  and then with the sound of  crashing of cups and plates, I found myself too, crashing to oblivion………………..

Sorry for such a lengthy post.

 (to be continued)

Break From The Past: the break ( Part 7)

There he was!  
I had to catch my breath for he was looking so handsome: nobody would believe he was 60, he looked like a 40 or 45 year old man, very successful and confident in  life--- I could almost feel myself melting, like a burning candle, just watching him. He was there right  in front of me, I felt like running to him and hugging him, showering him with kisses and wishing him, but I why was I hesitant, what was stopping me,  why and from where had this awkward distance  come between us?

I had slogged the whole day  in the kitchen, all the while, thinking tender and loving thoughts about him, reliving in my mind the wonderful life we had led, the unflinching love that we thought would never go sour. Where had all that love gone... why can't he be the one to come and hug me and be the one to break the ice, oh God, why not him?

Okay, I told to myself, I could be the  one to break the ice, for in love there can be no competition, there was no place for 'ego" to stand as a wall between us, and I was determined to make this a very happy occasion for both of us. Although, he looked good there was something bothering him always, and I knew it was his work, it was taking a toll on him and on our relationship. I was confident that a little TLC was what he needed: I must somehow make him loosen up and kiss away all his worries, provided if he would only let me..

 He seemed to be in a good mood, but only for a second, for as soon as he saw me watching that awful serial, (The B & B) I could see his expression change, a little too soon,  into disgust. Then his eyes fell on the Champagne bottle chilling in the ice- tub, the elegantly set table, the expensive crockery, and then he turned to look at me, sitting all decked up, as if for a party….then he  just went  rushing towards  the TV and punched the buttons in a fit of anger, and  before I could even open my mouth, he slapped me!

 I could hardly believe what had just happened …… he had the audacity to slap me….. me -- for no apparent reason. In all these years he had never done  such a thing, what had come over him all of a sudden?

 Then he started his usual taunts and verbal abuses, and before I could even comprehend the meaningless  nonsense, he went to the dining table, picked up the Champagne bottle and smashed it on the floor. “This is my house",  he shouted, “knowing very well how I detest such idiotic serials, you never stop watching them day after day”,  he growled at me. “What is this nonsense going on in this house --- a party for your dancing students, behind my back is it?”

 I didn't bother to answer him….leaving him yelling there,  I quietly walked up the stairs to our room. I was not afraid of him, I could have stood and fought with him, I could have also taken some glasses and thrown at him, but : I did not want to stoop to his level. I felt there was no point in arguing about our miserable situation, the dreaded " Break" was staring right on my face, I had to accept it, with whatever dignity that was still left in me.  I felt so humiliated, I had such positive thoughts about us, and,  how confident I had felt just a few seconds ago: only to get slapped and insulted by him for no reason at all..

I quickly threw some clothes and a few other things that came to hand into a suitcase, and came down.  I said, “I am leaving you Chandran, I can no longer take this kind of behavior from you. Something is wrong with you, and it is time you did something about it, I am never going to come back”.  

I could still feel the sting on my cheek where he had hit me : tears welled up in my eyes, ready to burst out.  I looked at Chandran, and turned round to take one last look at our house which held so many good memories, and stepped out of the door..... forever....

(To be continued)

Break From The Past: Party Time (part 6)

The  venue chosen for  the party was absolutely amazing, with glittering lights, a specially erected stage for the music band, and below the stage we could see some couples dancing. It felt so good to be there, and everybody was coming and congratulating Chandran for relentlessly working so hard for the company's growth.
For me it was an honor to be by his side. Both of us had a really good time. The drinks, the snacks, and the food were great and so was the music, and the band had us dancing to their catchy numbers. We lost ourselves in the scintillating music,  and danced to the music changing  our steps and our tempo to the beat of the music : sometimes jive, then mambo, and then again….I don’t know what,  I didn't even care, there was a spontaneity in our steps, making us forget all our unsolved problems for the time being. There was only one thought dancing through my mind -  “may this night never end.”

One among several things I learnt after moving to America was dancing.  I loved dancing so much that it didn’t take me long to became a certified Dance Instructor.  It had been ages since, Chandran and I danced together. The fights between us had grown to such gigantic proportions that we never felt like dancing with each other ever again. But not today, for today we had left everything behind us . We danced and danced, literally setting the floor on fire. I recalled my dance teacher saying, “while dancing, forget everything, and only look into the eyes of the partner, make love to him through your eyes.”  

She was so passionate about dancing, that it was contagious : whoever learnt dancing from her  became as passionate as she was, about this sensuous art, and wanted to be as perfect as her.  If the partner happened to be your own husband, then, there was nothing to stop you from showering your passion on him through your eyes, your body movements.
 Oh! if there was bliss in this Universe it was here, it was here, on this dance floor. For once in our lives we were truly happy. 
 Soon, Chandran’s new responsibilities took him more and more away from me. But I did not mind it so much, for my dance classes  kept me occupied, and I was happy  doing the thing I really enjoyed doing.  Since Chandran's business tours kept him away for long periods of time, I decided to take some evening classes, for there were lot of people who wanted to take the class in the evenings.

When he was home, sometimes I used to reschedule my classes, thinking we could spend some quality time together.  But that was not to be, as Chandran always had some presentation to work on, or something else to keep him engaged and away from me. This kept on happening till I got fed up for neither was I  able to spend time with him nor was I able to take my evening dance classes . So I decided not to waste any more time, and started taking my classes as usual.
As fate would have it, I got busy when he got free, and then he started noticing my absence. He could have just told me he needed me,  and I would have rescheduled my classes, but no, he said nothing . Slowly the taunts started, then the accusation, then slowly it led to many unpleasant things, and  living with him became impossible. I tried very hard, but soon I realized there was no point in continuing to live with him like that: it was time to move on.

The real breaking point came when he started, spying on me, always asking me questions as to where I had been, who I was talking to over the phone, who came to the house while he was not there, and even controlling what I should be watching on  TV, and what I should not. Those days the daily soap opera Bold and The Beautiful had just started, and everybody was watching it .  I too was hooked into it.  Though on certain days it would be quite boring, still,  I would be watching it. He used to get very irritated whenever I saw that serial, and then he would go on and on cribbing about the serial. He felt that such serials were responsible for giving crazy ideas to people like me to flirt around with men in the name of teaching dancing.  He even accused that people like me had lost all sense of morality and dignity.  I ignored all these signals, thinking this too would pass.

Then, it was the day when he was to turn 60. In India especially in the South where we come from the, 60^th birthday of a man is celebrated with lot of fanfare. Man and Wife renewed their marriage wows in front of their children and grand children : it is a very happy occasion.  Since we were not going to have that kind of a celebration in the US,  I thought I would just do something special for him, and make that day memorable.

 I prepared all his favorite dishes, spent hours in the kitchen forgetting all our animosity and anger. I had even bought a lovely birthday gift for him. I set the table with the finest crockery in the house, lovingly collected by us on our various trips abroad.  The Champagne was in the ice tub getting nicely chilled.  My heart was on fire, I was excited, and was eagerly awaiting his arrival.  Somehow I felt that everything would be fine between us, for I still could not forget that time when we danced the whole night away, and we were so happy. I was expecting the same miracle to happen.  I kept picturing the same old Chandran, who dragged me from the crowded bus years ago: the Chandran with whom I fell in love the minute I set my eyes on him. I felt a flutter in my heart: Chandran had not really disappeared, I had not lost him, for he was there, he was very much there, and very much part of me as I was of him.
But why was it taking him so long, was it the traffic?
I switched on the TV, just in time, to watch the ever boring repeats of "The Bold & The Beautiful" when, Chandran walked in………

To be continued...

Break From The Past: When things fall apart... (Part 5)

We settled in sunny California. Life was good, we made lots of friends, went travelling around America as much as we could, whenever we could, we were happy in the real sense. Time, had moved very fast. Our children were now young adults,  the twins and the 3rd one were doing great. They were doing well in their respective fields, they were  grown up boys,  independent,  living in  apartments near their University. I found myself with lot of time in my hands, and embarked into learning the things that I always wanted to learn,  but could not because of being busy with home and children. Everything has its own time, and my time to learn had come knocking at my door.

I was pleased with myself, and I was truly happy. Unlike Australia, life was not so laid back, and I enjoyed every bit of it. I thought Chandran too,  would be pleased to see me learning to do so many things all by myself. But something was not right between us ---- something was seriously wrong ----- When did things go wrong, I cannot put my finger to it . Everyday little things were enough to spark a fight between us for no apparent reason, when previously one of us would always make up (and I used to love our making up so much that sometimes I would deliberately find reasons to fight with him). But alas, now none of us  bothered about making up, we were too proud to be the first one to say sorry....... the ego that was absent between us so far had somehow, crept into our lives.
Could things really become so bad between two people who were supposed to be so much in love with each other?
What went wrong, why????
I racked my brain to find answers to so many questions, that was plaguing me non- stop.

 Each time I did something interesting and praise-worthy he would only try and find fault with me. He even started to degrade me in front of friends though in a humorous manner .. it didn't hurt so much in the beginning, but when it became a standard pattern with him, taunting and always poking fun at me, it really hurt. I could not believe that this was the same Chandran whom I fell in love,  got married and had three kids with him. At first I let it go, thinking it was pressure from his job that was making him behave like that...... for it was true he was really working very hard, and was also doing very well in his company. He had to travel quite a lot, and when he came back he was always too tired for anything. I tried to be understanding, made his favorite dishes whenever he was home, did not depend on him for each and everything, and did not give him the chance to complain. But the more I tried, the more crankier and disgusting he became.

After having been married to him for more than 20 years, I suddenly started to wonder if something was wrong with me ------- why do I blame him only, maybe I need to change myself. I  was literally killing myself mentally,  trying to figure out what was it that was not right about me.
Then one day,  Chandran came with the good news that, he was made the Director of the company, for the board was very pleased with his work. He was so excited and happy. He said, that the company was happy with way their business had increased, and to celebrate that, they had organised a party, and we were to attend that. That day, I saw my old Chandran who I had thought, I had lost forever.
He lifted me, and held me high and said he was able reach this position because of me. I was shocked to hear such nice words from him.....I was moved to tears,  hearing him say such lovely things, which were music to my ears.......... I loved him so much that words were inadequate to describe the joy I felt in his strong arms.......I thanked the Almighty for all that was happening at that particular moment.. I was not going to let this God sent happy moments to pass by. No point in brooding about the bitter past, for in the present everything was fine, and  we must be fully happy and enjoy the moment, without any resentment.

He immediately took me shopping, saying I deserved a new dress, and that he would love to help me in my selection of dress.  We had always shopped together till things started to go wrong  between us. Now he acted as if nothing was wrong between us, as if we had never fought. I was ready to let go, and I felt that maybe I was right to think that all the bitterness between us was caused by the tensions in his job.
Well, he took me to the best boutique in town, and helped me try various outfits, all of them so beautiful that, I didn't have the heart to leave any of them. Then when I wore the black shimmering dress, and came out to show him, he just kept staring at me, as if he was seeing me for the first time. It was indeed a beautiful dress, with a wide deep neck,  that highlighted my broad shoulders beautifully. It  had a gold lace wrap,  that had to be worn as a shawl/ stole, and gold sandals to match it. It was too good!
 The look in his eyes told me what I wanted to know, and  we asked the sales person to pack it. That indeed was one of my best days in a long long time. I decided to enjoy every bit of it. 
The change that came upon us was magical, and unbelievable, as if the bad period was just a pause in our relationship. What brought about this kind of drastic change, all of a sudden, why was I ready to accept this change without any thought?
I had no answers. I pushed all these silly questions from my mind,  wiped the slate clean, and looked forward to happy times ahead.

The day of the party arrived. Chandran was looking so handsome in  black suit, with the white shirt, and the beautiful tie I had bought for him as a birthday gift many years ago. We were all set to go ......

(To be continued)

Break From the past . To America, the land of opportunities! (P4)

My life now revolved round the new- born and the twins who took all of my time and energy.  Chandran being more and more busy with various assignments,  he found less and less time to be around us.

  Around this time my parents came to visit us for they were yet to see all my children. It was such an happy occasion, even Chandran took some time off and we went around various places in Australia. Those days bungee jumping was the craze, some brave people undertook this to prove to themselves that they could overcome their fear of heights. I was really fascinated by the thrill of this sport. I too wanted to experience it .

  What better occasion then now, I thought, with my parents here to look after my kids while I took  the plunge. Well although, on an impulse,  I had decided to jump, but as the time got closer and closer to the jumping part,  I was very nervous, I got paranoid with all kinds of crazy feelings going round my mind, like : what would happen if I went and hit something and got badly hurt, or what if I had an heart attack and died, who will look after my three little kids, what if I had a stroke,  have I really gone crazy signing up for this kind of sport when I have so many responsibilities, I should just turn back. but the words of Chandran kept coming to my mind :" do it Sudha you will love it, there is no danger, once you have gone through it you will come back for more. If anything bad were to happen  it could happen even inside the house,  or for that matter anywhere, one should not let negative thoughts put a stop on all the things that we want to experience." Well he can say:  for he had already jumped many times and in so many different ways.  How was I to overcome this fear, that was gnawing inside me?

I had to overcome fear of fear, and just do it ! I just have to take a deep breath and just let go of the fear.... I had to somehow break through this fear, for as someone once said: on the other side of fear lies everything we ever wanted.

Was it as simple as that : yes it had to be for there  was no time to debate, and it was my turn now: the instructor had already started to count 10, 9,8,7,6,5....my God, the time has come for me to  jump !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and.........with my heart almost in my mouth I.... jumped ....... initially I felt as though, I was almost dying, the fear of reaching  nowhere was really very terrifying, but soon, my mind became totally blank...my fear magically transformed itself into a sense of great joy, a sense of freedom,  a feeling so great that words can never describe them.
 Soon I was back, and like all others who had shouted that they have done the most incredible thing in their lives, I too shouted out in joy in the same manner, for believe me it was indeed the most  incredible and wonderful experience, and I had done it!

    I was really glad to be back in one piece and  also happy to have overcome the fear. Soon it was time for my parents to leave, and I was a little upset, for I had got used to their presence so much. But they have their own lives, and they can't be with me forever. 
Once again, it was time for us to move to the US, because Chandran's company wanted him to handle some major projects there.

  The idea of going to the US did not appeal to me so much. Moving to a new place,  trying to settle to a new way of life was too daunting. Having tasted life in Australia, it was very difficult to move away from it so easily. Somehow, the thought of leaving this country bothered me,  I had loved this place, our house, our life,  despite the frequent travels of Chandran,  Oh, we were so happy, it was not easy for me to leave all this....

Chandran, as usual said I should not be so negative about every thing.  He was quite happy to  move. I too brainwashed myself to thinking happy thoughts about that country and happily prepared myself, to move along with him.
America, here we come!!!

  
(to be continued soon)

Break From The Past: Australia!

Please click here for  Part 1 and here for  Part 2

Australia!

Here we come!!

 I had heard so much about this country. The biggest attraction lies in its natural beauty, so beautiful, that words  are simply not enough to describe its  awesome beauty.

 This was a Sydney based job, that suited someone like Chandran, who was looking to further a great  career.  However it also meant a lot of travelling , which he did not mind, and which of course bothered me a little.

  So off we hopped like two love stung Kangaroos to Australia.We settled in a beautiful beach house given to us by the company( for it was a senior post) in Sydney suburbs. The place given to us was stunning with its  beautiful view of the sea. The house was designed with spacious balconies opening out from the living room and from all the 3 bedrooms, giving us spectacular views of the sea The last time I saw something like that house was in the movie " Salaam Namaste".

I remember how the movie brought  back all the memories of my life in Australia, especially that house, though it did not really look the same, it was small compared to our house,  but the style, the big  bay windows  facing the sea, etc., really had me gushing out emotionally, like a broken dam, with  thoughts of the most beautiful moments in my life. Oh, why and how did things change so fast?
I had no answer.

  Coming here was like a second honeymoon for us.  Soon we were comfortably settled,  and were getting used to the Ozy lifestyle, their slang, their mannerism, their  laid  back attitude.

  Sydney, Australia's Olympic city, set on the beautiful Sydney Harbor, was a city where surprisingly people and events moved pretty fast, that, sometimes made me wonder, whether there really  was a city in a country as laid back as Australia, I was absolutely stunned. Its all embracing character,  history, superb waterways and heart-stopping buildings,  and the extremely jolly and helpful people, made this city a perfect place to settle down. It didn't take us long to feel totally at home here.

To think we were in the suburb, yet not very far from all the fun, and excitement of the city life. I simply loved our house very much, the 24 hours sound of the waves, the  beauty  of the waves, going to bed with the sound of the tranquil and soothing waves lulling us to sleep and waking up everyday to a spectacular sunrise. Can life be any better, I was blessed in every way, and I was grateful and very happy.

    Whenever Chandran got a break from his various assignments we were off exploring the city with all its wonderful sights. We traveled through the Harbor Bridge for a spectacular tour of the Blue Mountains, we saw the famous Three Sisters rock formation, and while we were there,.. I remember I started feeling giddy, and almost fainted.

  Chandran got worried, we were having such a wonderful time when I suddenly felt strange,  he insisted we return back  home immediately,  although I felt better after a little while, but still he would not listen. Soon this giddiness became a regular feature with me, and when we consulted the doctor, we were told,  we should be prepared to welcome a child into our lives.

    I was thrilled, so was Chandran, he celebrated it by treating me to a candle light dinner, cooked specially by him and the table set by the windows overlooking the  beautiful sea. He was very good in baking, and he had baked an upside down pineapple cake for me. He was a man with many talents.
 He was the one who taught me how to dance, initially I was kind of nervous and shy,  but soon I caught on with the steps for he was such a patient teacher.  I started to  enjoy moving and flowing gracefully with the music. We often put on the music and danced together, and let all our weariness leave us,  it was sheer bliss.

 That day too he put on my favorite music,  the cool breeze wafting through the open windows, the music and the soothing breeze, transporting us to another world as we danced and danced, till I felt so tired I could dance no more..... it was most memorable evening of my life.

 We soon found out that I was having twins. That really frightened me, how will I be able to look after twins was a question which kept bothering me a lot. But Chandran was not worried at all. He said if God has given us twins he would also give us the ability to look after them.  His patience and his constant guidance saw me through my delivery, and soon we had two screaming babies in our hands.

  Two healthy babies were enough to keep me fully occupied, and soon they grew up to be healthy boys, old enough for school. Four years later I was once again pregnant, and this time I really prayed for a girl, for the first time itself I was a little disappointed I did not have girls, at least one could have been a girl . So this time, I was eagerly looking forward to having a girl child. When the doctor asked me whether I would like to know the sex of the child, I said no, for I was sure it was going to be girl.  I had already selected the name, and waited with  lots of hope and enthusiasm

  However,  this time too we had a boy, and he looked at me so cutely, that I forgot that I wanted a girl. It was a sheer joy to be a mother again......girl or boy suddenly seemed irrelevant to me. 

 ( To be continued)